he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
