even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
