Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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