i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
