that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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