You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize