Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
