you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
