Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Buhtt sex?
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
