While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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