How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Life is so much better after having sex.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
