I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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