Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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