remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
He? As in you personified your dick?
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
