The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Randomize
