the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
