this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
