I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
That accounts for only three of the penises
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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