Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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