where are you?
Hypothermia
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
You ruined the universe
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
