Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
