I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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