Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
