I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
