I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
