I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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