I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
