the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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