WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
