I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Randomize
