i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize