I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
