Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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