I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Randomize
