I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
