My cat gives me a boner
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
