I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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