remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Randomize
