who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
