i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
