sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
