Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
