Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
