I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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