and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Princesses don't give blow jobs
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
