His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Randomize
