is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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