he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
