he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Randomize
