yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
My liver just had a heart attack.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
