my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
