That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
