How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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