That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
