I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Randomize
