there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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