Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
